I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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