So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just invented taco cereal.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
