I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
