tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
