I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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