Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
