I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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