i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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