I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And then my night got REAL pukey
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
