My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
