I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
