They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize