The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
