dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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