and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
