i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
