whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I've blown a few things in my day
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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