I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
