I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
