I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
