I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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