Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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