I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
