Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
