Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
