I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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