cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
