so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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