Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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