i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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