the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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