I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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