Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
