i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
