I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
