worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
