im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
