So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
