Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
