He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
