I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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