Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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