I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
