im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
