please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize