I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
