call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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