dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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