I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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