I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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