So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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