i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
