i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
