people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Randomize
