we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
